So… as I’ve previously mentioned a couple of times, I have been feeling rather non-communicative of late. I’ve been on my “mental break” for quite a while now, not really wanting to talk to anybody. And that’s because…
One of the things I’ve been thinking about a lot this year are the people in my life. You know… like, “who is in my life and why” kind of thinking. My circle of friends has always been relatively small (by choice), so imagine my surprise when I noticed that a few friends had been claiming “close friend” status based solely on their proximity to me, not because we are like-minded… or have anything other than our workplace in common… or are emotionally (life experiences) in sync with each other.
More specifically, I have posed this question to myself: Where is the sense in letting go of someone I totally love, yet allowing other people I don’t want to be close to remain in my life? Hmm…?
I’m not saying I don’t care at all about the people who I don’t have much in common with. I know they all care about me in their own ways, and I appreciate that. I just don’t want them to be part of my inner sanctum.
Amongst those individuals, there have been three predominantly negative forces surrounding me — and, in my attempt to be a supportive friend to them, I’ve gone around in unending circles with their negative presence… offering advice and cheerfulness or being a mere sounding board. In return, I’ve gotten only…??? More of the same, constant negativity.
I’m quite sure my time and energy are worth much more than that. So, I’ve been drawing my lines in the sand. I’m reclaiming my space. I’m done. I’m stepping away and moving forward without them.
It is not always the absence of love That makes me seem alone. Often it's been too much love Given to me by the wrong people For the wrong reasons That keeps me here, Gladly alone. . . . . . . Rather than wrapped in arms I could never need. -Merrit Malloy
A few days ago, I finally gave myself a stamp of approval to close the door and walk away when I had this thought: How would it be if I were to introduce someone I totally love to these friends? Would I even want to present them to him? Would I be excited to introduce him to them? How would I even describe them?
“Here’s my friend who constantly complains about everything.”
“Here’s my friend who is self-serving and doesn’t value anyone or anything.”
“And here’s my friend who childishly insults people they don’t know.”
Why all the drama? Why would I want to remain part of it? And why would I subject someone I love to it?
I don’t know… and I don’t… and I won’t!
I want to be proud of who I spend my time with. I want them to be proud of me. And I want us to be happy and supportive and kind to each other.
I want to be surrounded by positive sparks of sunshine that help me grow and let me fly free.
I want to be around someone who makes me bloom… and I want to be able to make him bloom, as well.
I’m no botanist, but… I’m fairly certain flowers don’t bloom under storm clouds.
And, as you may have noticed….
I’m not looking for just anyone.